In retrospect, I've had health issues this semester that have made me miss a whole bunch of your 7:45 classes. I know you and many other members of the class have been getting your asses out of bed to be there at the ass-crack of dawn, but really -- truth be told -- it just wasn't convenient. You see, I have sleep-in-itus compounded by party-like-an-idiot-itus, so even when I manage to get to class I haven't been able to pay attention because I was usually still drunk/high. These conditions also prevented me from doing the homework AND they've caused me brain-damage, so the fact that I failed all the tests I managed to show up for isn't my fault.
You see, I really need to pass the class to: (circle all that apply) graduate/so my company will reimburse tuition/stay on my parents insurance/be able to mooch off of my parents another year/play sports/go to law school/be able to win arguments with my roomates. It's really important that I get credit for learning all the crap everyone else in the class has worked hard to learn, even if I haven't been to class for months.
The last class meeting of the semester is tomorrow, so what can I do to pass the class? You have a comprehensive final exam that replaces the grade in the course... is it hard? I hope I won't be responsible for stuff we've covered in class, because I wasn't there to hear that stuff so I can't be held responsible. What will the exam cover? I hope it isn't all that hard crap on the syllabus that I lost, and that the class has been working on while I've been sleeping in and watching The View while cuddling with my cat.
Please drop everything to bail my stupid-ass out of this hole. I know you don't have anything else to do, even our state Govenor says that college professors are lazy, so get off your ass and teach me the whole semester in your office. I have 20 minutes today at 11:00, I'll expect you in your office then.
the student you thought had been abducted by aliens.