Breast Cancer Awareness Month....

Yikes --- for someone with breast cancer, it's a long month.

Frankly, I've had two years and 5 months of Breast Cancer Awareness.... the rest of you are only aware of it in October, lucky you...

I'm aware of it every day, in my pjs I'm lop sided -- in my bra, I can feel the breast form... yep, aware.

I look in the mirror and see the thin hair at the front where it will never come back after chemo... yep, aware.

I feel my left thumb -- where there is a little bit of permanent numbness due to chemo... yep, aware.

I have a clean PET scan report on my fridge.... yep, aware.

I have a lovely oncologist and his nurse's number in my phone... yep, aware.

I have annother check up with my oncologist in January... yep, aware.

Go ahead and do all the fundraising stuff you want, please -- if it helps you, do it. Buy stuff with pink ribbons if you really think part of the proceeds go toward helping breast cancer research. Run, walk, crawl sing or do whatever you want to do to ward off the demons of breast cancer...

I contribute in personal -- very personal -- ways. I was part of a drug study to see if the drug worked on non-metastisized breast cancer. I give individual advice to folks in my life who are struggling with it -- I'm kind of the breast cancer spokeswoman in my circle of friends and students - they come to me when they need to understand, when they need to have something helpful to say to someone they are close to. I do this all year long...

It would be easier, much, much easier for me to spend some cash and buy stuff with pink ribbons on it... and, frankly, I'm very glad that most of you don't have the kind of personal experience with the disease that I have.... so you can't contribute like I do.

Honestly, I'm glad there's a great lobby for my disease. I'm glad there's a fantastic marketing campaign for my disease. I've benefitted from those efforts both directly and indirectly -- and I'm grateful -- don't get me wrong... but, the month of October is long and full of breast cancer talk in the media etc.. and it's a constant reminder of my disease -- that it could come back and kill me.

Breast Cancer -- breast forms!!

I intentionally have a kind of odd title for this post, because I want it to pop up in serch engines..

For quite a while, I resisted getting a real breast form -- I used the cotton filled ones, they looked terrible, but that's just what I did.

One of the reasons I resisted was because the one place I knew to get a "real" one was a kind of weird place, with a pushy salesperson who insisted on putting me in an icky bra first.

It was only last month that I decided to walk in there and stand firm about wearing my own bra --- and now I have a decent breast form... it looks kinda like the real one... which is great.

That isn't the point of the post -- the point is to let folks know about how amazing Nordstroms is...

I went in for a new bra. I hadn't been properly measured etc... and I knew they were the best at it.

I walked in and immediately a sales person took charge -- measured, brought me bras, helped me sort out the breast form and did it all with such a good sense of humor and professionalism that I was completely comfortable.

What's really amazing is that, if you have a prescription for a breast form and/or bras (which mastectomy patients can easily get...), they'll submit all of it to your insurance. My insurance covers a swim form, a regular form and three bras per year -- you bet I'm going to do it...

So -- for the record -- Nordstrom's is the place you should go if you've had a mastectomy or lumpectomy and need some special help to look "normal".... I'm sure that I would have avoided two years of being uneven, had I been able to go someplace as fantastic as that -- I'll even forgive them for being at the Mall of America...

Post-dissertation...

We're about a month into the fall semester, and it still seems kind of odd..

I'm just not accustomed to having nothing ELSE to do -- work, home stuff, hang with FB -- but, no dissertation chapters to write, revise, send to Dr. Advisor -- while that is more of a relief than anything, it's also kid of odd.

Sure, I'm also department chair, but those activities were part of my non-Dr. ItPF status -- so, they don't feel extra now. For quite a while there I was teaching, dissertating and coaching debate. I quit the debate three years ago, and applied that time to the dissertation.

Now -- the dissertation is defended... I don't have to work on it -- I don't have to write chapters so my students can read them-- they're done.

My classes are on auto-pilot -- in the good way. I'm happy with them and I see no need to reinvent them. I like my assignments, the pacing of the classes and the way the students respond. So, I have no new class prep.

I promised myself that I wouldn't change books until I was Dr. ItPF - and, I didn't... now, I have the same old books... so, again, no new class prep. The thing is -- I'm kind of sure the books I have are the best ones out there... so, again, no need to change.

So -- I find myself with time on my hands -- on a regular basis... it's kinda weird. The way my on-line grading is set up, I can often get it finished on Friday or Monday between classes.... or, in a semi-concentrated span on Monday nights--- or, casually over the weekend.

I suppose things will be a bit different when my logic students start taking proof quizzes... but, I'm also very quick at grading them -- and, really -- it isn't all that challenging.

So -- the question is what's going to be my new thing -- my new challenge -- the thing that replaces the dissertation and debate coaching in my life...

FB had an interesting suggestion -- maybe I need to learn to just be -- to not be so busy. To take time to simply relax, read, enjoy just living and not be so concerned with being occupied ALL THE TIME. Hmmmm.... that's kind of hard -- given my background.

The thing is, since I was 17, I worked and went to school. I took about 3 years off in Denver/Omaha -- in the middle of my BA -- but, since my junior year in HS, I've been working and schooling. The work and the schools have changed -- but, the combo has been a fact of my life for 24 years. That's a whole adult -- a fully-functional college educated adult's life --- I've been working and schooling.

For three of the last 5 years there was a long-distance marriage -- so, there was working, schooling and driving to Omaha... last year, the dissertation got more intense, but they hubby came home -- so, it balanced out.

Now -- Hubby is really wrapped up in his 2L year -- and I'm much less busy. I think I like it... and I'm seriously considering FB's "just be" suggestion -- but, it's hard --

hmmmm.... maybe that IS my new "project"... because it is hard, it's a challenge -- and once I accomplish it, I can go on to other challenges...

or, does that kinda miss the point?

FB -- if you're reading -- log in and comment please... the rest of you too...

I should be clear... about FB

... because, in a previous post about FB, I was kind of ambiguous.. and I've been thinking about this a lot lately..

If FB and I were a romantic/financial unit -- I'd trust him to manage our money. From what I can see, he's actually quite good with what he has -- I'd just make the assumption that I'd pay all the bills... which would be fine for me.

The thing is, money isn't all that important to FB, which is something I really like about him. He's interested in being able to pay his bills, not buy a huge house in the suburbs -- and impress his neighbors. That's quite appealing. He also knows how to have fun without spending a wad of cash -- which is something I appreciate.

The other really nice thing about FB is that he is quite sensitive to others -- and looks for ways to be helpful / supportive to his friends. Tonight we had a good talk about my post-dissertation life -- and, as usual, he was perceptive and correct... that's why I hang out with him.

yea -- it's me --so what?

Hey -- you... the person who printed out some of my blog posts and left them in my BNCC mailbox.

Yea -- that's me, so what? Lots of folks have already found it -- and don't care.

I know folks from BNCC read the blog --- and have for years. Frankly, I doubt they read anymore because it's actually a pretty boring and self-serving blog... but, it's mine and that's the way I am sometimes.

I don't know what the point of printing the stuff and leaving it in my box actually IS... because, you see, you didn't leave a note, sign it or anything. Just a pile of printouts from my little blog.

Read back a while, I broke the code kind of -- I have all kinds of identifying photos and other stuff on my blog. I was NEVER trying to hide from BNCC folks. All I wanted to do was to make sure that a) a stranger googling me wouldn't find it and b) my dissertation committee wouldn't get upset and deny me the Ph.D. (like they would -- they're cool, but I didn't know that when I started..).

Further, my hubby, FB, friends, relatives and mom read it -- although, again, I'm not sure why.... so, if you're trying to tell me that you know -- at least be an adult and sign the printouts.

ps... the printouts just went in the recycling.. and I'm done thinking about it. If you have something to say, you clearly know where I am.

Hope for "normal"

Tomorrow I have another check-up with my oncologist.

So far all of my PET scans have been "normal"... and, I hope tomorrow is no exception.

I'm trying really hard to hang onto my own advice of not being worried about medical test results I don't have yet...

I'll let you know how things turn out...

An unusual situation...

...or, as FB's mother called it, an "awkward" situation... which is what my friendship with FB seems to be from the outside.... as a reminder, FB stands for Fake-Boyfriend -- (or, I suppose Facebook Boyfriend -- because we reconnected via facebook)... not F'ck buddy...

From the outside, it seems odd that a happily married ItPF and a single and straight FB would be very good friends. The kind of friends who communicate every day-- usually via exchange of texts -- who do routine errands together (going to Costco with FB is pretty fun!!), and who support one another in awkward or emotional family situations... FB and I generally travel well together in the car -- and Hubby doesn't have the time to do that stuff..

The thing is, the IfPF/FB thing works -- for us.

Hubby is seemingly what makes this awkward --- from the outside. Oddly enough, this week circumstances made it look as if FB were upset with me for something (he was just napping... for a long, long time -- thus, not responding to texts...) -- and Hubby was pretty concerned that I'd lose FB as my friend... and his.

The thing is, it's impossible to know how the FB situation would have happened -- or IF it would have happened, if I were single. Would we be such close friends with the potential for nookie looming out there? Would we be such close friends if one of us wanted nookie but the other wasn't interested? Would we be great friends who also have sex? It's impossible to know -- I know that FB and I are compatible in many ways that make for a great relationship -- but, incompatible in ways that make for a great marriage... We have very similar values, hopes and expectations of our partners -- but, very different acceptances of financial risk and acceptable spending patterns.

Maybe our friendship is exactly what it is because our compatibilities match and our differences aren't an issue... I don't have to worry that he won't be able to pay the cable bill -- and he doesn't have to be concerned that I'd easily spend $100 on a red leather bag --of which I seem to have a plethora... or $25 on a pedi -- and $75 on a wax...

In the end, there are only four people who really need to be concerned about the ItPF/FB relationship -- The two of us, Hubby and FB's son (with whom I get along with famously..). Those are the people directly impacted by our friendship -- who could be hurt by it if they didn't understand it -- and who see us individually and together on a regular basis... and anybody else who isn't directly concerned can suck it!! :).