Mom's making soup...

A new Costco opened up near us -- and right across the street from my cancer clinic...

So, yesterday Mom joined and shopped for stuff...

My kitchen is full of food.

Mom's car is full of TP, Paper towels and enough freezer bags to last a lifetime.

When she joined, they gave her a coupon for a free cooked chicken, which she's using to make chicken soup. Right now my house smells amazing -- and, since the soup is a two day process, there will be more yummy smells to come...

yea mom!

Photos of my brain...

.. I have the MRI films of my brain.

My neurologist, who looks quite a bit like Alan Alda, said they were clean -- as was my EEG... thus, no reason for my seizure. He's going with the 'perfect storm' theory Mom and Hubby suggested --i.e. that the over-sedation and sleep apnea combined to create the conditions for a seizure.

He also gave me a way to resolve the dizziness -- and it seems to work pretty well.

and -- I have photos that prove I have a brain, if only those photos would reveal the completed version of my dissertation I know is hiding in my mind --

sigh, oh well.

GDS.... hubby is right...

I love an articulate man --- good thing I'm IN love with one, or I may have to stalk Obama.

Debaters have a theory that some girls are attracted to good/great debaters... they call it Great Debater Syndrome.

I've got it -- which made watching hubby win debate rounds pretty fun!

Damm-- I really hope Obama wins, so he'll keep talking!

Also, I love his idea that we can disagree on issues without casting the other side as horrible, immoral people. This has been the central message in my ethics classes for the past 8 years or so -- and it is wonderful to see a political and cultural leader echo my thoughts.

Cycle 4

This morning I teach my classes, this afternoon I have the last of the icky chemo...

YEA!

The icky chemo is a combination of drugs -- they are the drugs that typically make people sick etc...

Two weeks from tomorrow I'll start the first of 12 cycles of a less icky drug. That's the one they'll do every Friday.

I've had a bunch of unusual things happen so far, but they haven't been directly related to the chemo... so, I'm optimistic about how I'll tolerate the next step.

now -- maybe I should think about what we'll do in class in 20 minutes...

yikes...

The RNC and me...

I have quite a few students who are being ordered to work at the Republican National Convention... they are cops, National Gard Members and even an employee of the parks department.

I'm not particularly fond of Republicans in general -- so the fact that some of these folks will miss two weeks of classes right at the beginning doesn't make me happy....

One down...

One teach-a-thon down... 15 (I think) to go...

It wasn't so bad, really -- and I think my classes are going to be fun.

My 7:45 class has a couple of really fun students --

My evening logic class is pretty saucy... they suggested making an argument to support the contention that "Evening students are smarter"...

yea, the semester has some potential ---

Day 1 eve....

I'm pretty much back to normal -- thank goodness...

My office is minimally organized and I have my syllabi copied for tomorrow...

I'll meet about 180 students tomorrow -- in four sections. Two ethics and two logic. Yes-- my math is correct, we have 50 as the course cap in ethics and 40 in logic.

no, that isn't right or good --but it is what it is... and attempts to change it have been met with stone walls all around -- because, as a department, we have a very low cost per student.... and that means the college makes cash on us.

If you look at your class of 20-30 tomorrow, be very, very grateful, as someone else is teaching a class of 50 to make the academic math work.

now, to bed -- as my first class is at 7:45 AM... and it could be a doozie, as registration was opened up late.... maybe all the really, really good students waited until the last couple of weeks in the summer to register for ethics??? yea, right.

ETA -- all my courses are at the max, except the early ethics course... who knows what will show up this week --- yikes.

LDR, year 3 eve....

Every year has its own challenges...

The first year I didn't realize that the first few weeks are the worst.

Last year we'd just moved into our nice, new place -- and hubby was leaving it, me and New Kitty to live with some 'different' (BN state "different") folks.

This year, I'm not well -- and he's on the job market -- (and that's all I can or will say about the market). So, there's double stress on his part.

He's packing, loading etc. tonight. He'll go back to Red State tomorrow -- and I'll see him in a couple of weeks... sigh.

At least I know we won't be doing this next year -- as I'll either have a job where he is, I'll (more than likely) be on sabbatical.... or if all else fails he'll be working at Best Buy and we'll be moving to a less expensive place in BNCC....

dang it -- if I wasn't doing the chemo, I could at least look forward to visiting Red State and eating the best Indian food in the world.... grrrr ----

for now, I'll have to think about Spring semester ---- and, as the inscription on a wonderful bracelet advises me to "remember yesterday, live for today, dream of tomorrow"....

being dizzy sucks...

... as does getting anybody to help you with it.

Really, Hubby and I went to the ER on Thursday night. They gave me meds that didn't work, did some blood work and sent me home 7 hours later. They didn't look in my ears -- even though I told them I'd had a cold.

Friday we tried to make the meds work -- but, the only way I could not be really ill was to lay very still... most of the time with my eyes closed. I listened to the radio and napped all day -- which was kind of ok, since we got home from the ER about 4 AM.

Saturday, finally, we got to talk to a nurse -- who persuaded a doctor to try something different. Plus, I took some vitamins and tried other stuff --- and, while I'm not 100%, as of Sunday sit up a bit, read a book lying in bed and be more comfortable...

Learn this lesson -- don't get sick outside of regular business hours.... really... don't do it.

My mom will be here late tonight for the hand-off, as Hubby has to head back to Red State for another year....

and, school starts tomorrow. My syllabi are written -- but not copied. My first classes are Tuesday.... by which time I'll probably be ok to do the minimal first-day of class stuff.... provided I can get the syllabi copied...

for now, I'm going back to bed.

they had me until lunch....

I was feeling kind of iffy this morning, but I went to day two...

and then, I went to stand in the lunch line.

Trying to feed the whole college in the cafeteria is a bad, bad idea.

As I stood in a line that didn't move, swaying --- I realized that I actually couldn't stand in line for lunch -- and, a lunch I probably couldn't eat anyway...

So I stopped by my office to attach some files... and then I came home.

no line for lunch, a cozy bed for an afternoon nap -- and syllabus finishing time this afternoon.

Sounds more productive than the speaker and seminar I attended this morning.

It could have been worse...

... our first day of meetings, that is.

I got to see some good friends -- a few of whom I had to bum out with the breast cancer stuff (cant hide the baldness)...

I didn't puke -- which is pretty good, seeing as how I was pretty ill last night.

I got to see exactly how wonderful my discipline and department really are...

Now, time for a nap --

I suppose it is fitting....

... that my last day of summer will be spent like the first day, in the f-ing hospital.

I do think this has been the crappiest summer I've ever had, bar none.

Today they mess with my port, possibly replacing it -- and tomorrow we start our back to school meetings.

I also have a cold.... and a minor infection for which I'm taking antibiotics.... To top it off, I can't eat or drink anything, which tends to exaggerate my nausea. It could be a really fun day....

grrrrrrrrrr! This is testing even my significant amount of patience.

Chemo, round 3...

...took forever today -- because my port is being stubborn.

In the past we've been able to make it work -- but today was different, so it went in my arm. Thank goodness my veins are still pretty ok.

Next week I have an appointment to have it investigated via a contrast dye -- or something. If they can't make it work, they'll replace it the same day. That will be the fourth surgery this summer. Thank goodness the surgery is very minor (30 minutes, barely any anesthesia).

grrrrr...... but, at least the port problems will be solved.

I really hate to tempt fate by asking what else could go wrong.

and - if it weren't for all these other side issues, the chemo itself would have been a pretty simple and uncomplicated process.

Why???

Why does my school have random holidays off that nobody else does?? (Veteran's Day?)

Why does New Kitty want to eat my flowers?

Why does New Kitty's pudgy belly have so much appeal?

Why is summer almost over? I didn't get cheated out of Canada, but I did get cheated out of summer....

Why do I feel guilty for wanting to go to (doctor recommended) water aerobics instead of a morning of meetings I really, really don't have to go to....

Why am I happy not to be coaching anymore?? Here's one reason of many....

Small goals...

One down --- I got to water aerobics this morning. Every class I get to do with the good teacher, in the pool that is deep enough, outdoors seems like a stolen golden moment of summer for me.

Today was a bonus, as the teacher is a huge Elvis fan and the anniversary of Elvis' death is sometime soon. She had an hour of Elvis, including a great version of Old McDonald Had a Farm... She also wore a cape and Elvis style sunglasses with huge sideburns attached. She brought us bananas for an after class snack.

Second goal -- Four complete syllabi -- for my logic and ethics courses. I need to finish them today, as I have another chemo tomorrow and I doubt I'll feel like doing them later.

First -- lunch... I'm thinking hummus and crackers.

The Summer of Cancer....

I'm back in my office today ---

As you might imagine, looking at the mess I left reminds me of the Before Cancer days.

Then I took a peek at my desk calendar and realized that the day grades were due (I did them early) was the day I went to the doctor because Hubby and I felt the lump. What should have been my first day of summer was the day they did the mamagram, sonogram and biopsy....

This really has been the summer of cancer -- to the day.

yikes...

Good news comes in press releases....

For my first 5 years at BNCC my office has been "behind the wall of dead ducks on the first floor".

The dead ducks are in little dioramas and kind of grossed me out -- College lore was that they were all positioned in mating positions and I kind of liked the idea of duck porn in the hallway if I didn't actually like the ducks -- which I didn't.

Really, all that dead water foul made me uncomfortable. I'm not a huge animal rights person, but I find it somehow disrespectful to the ducks themselves to put them on display that way.

Today's BNCC press release says that they've been moved to the new science building....

YEA!

Drat....

... the feminist ethics course isn't going to work. It is being converted to a regular ethics course, same time, same location...

I'm not so sure I'm going to take these kinds of risks in the future. Last fall my honors ethics class didn't make enrollment, they opened it to late registration and the class was TERRIBLE.

The problem is that BNCC just doesn't have a handle on how to market these kinds of classes to their existing students. Every honors class I've taught I filled myself from students who had me in the previous semester...

The program under which I was going to teach the feminist ethics course seemed to have a good plan for filling the class -- except, it didn't. I only had three sections last spring -- and it seems that a total of 110 students just isn't a wide enough audience to fill a course of this sort... sigh.

What is tough is that there are pockets of real innovation at BNCC, the problem is that they don't seem to have any idea about how to communicate with students ---

In the end, this may end up to be easier for me. I can make the same syllabus for both of my ethics courses -- and I don't really have to push myself during a semester when I'm doing chemo--

but --- I really, really, really wanted that class to work.

Chemo makes things complicated...

Yesterday I was feeling punky.... eventually we took my temp and it was 101. We are under strict instructions from the oncologist to call for any temp over 100 ---

Since it was a weekend, we ended up in the ER.

The good news is that Tylenol brought my temp down -- and I have an infection they can cure with antibiotics -- SO -- I didn't have to spend the night.

Also, my white-cell count was fine -- YEA.

and more support than I'd realized....

One of my water aerobics pals works taking phone calls from cancer patients needing resources and other kinds of assistance.

I just found that out this morning -- talk about a nice bit of information, in case I need it.

She generally works helping people figure out financial resources, complimentary medicine and other kinds of general problem solving things... I doubt I'll need her help, but if I do all I need to do is to go to water aerobics.

CPAP news...

I'm up to about 7 total hours per night...

I also don't feel the need for caffeine. I'm sure this will change when school starts, but for now it is kind of fun.

I'm still having minor adjustment issues with the mask-- but they don't seem to prevent me from getting to sleep.

If you snore, ask your partner to look at the symptoms of sleep apnea. If you have them, get a sleep study to see if you need a machine, or if there are other ways to help yourself get a good night's sleep. You don't know what you are missing until you get some really good sleep.

Yikes....

...my desk is clean.

If you could see me now, you'd see a nicely organized desk -- no clutter, only the stuff I need (including my hat on the corner of my computer) -- with plenty of room for New Kitty, who -- of course, isn't here.

It won't last long, but it is nice for now.

Ah.....

I had a total of 7 CPAP hours last night -- so I'm awake without caffeine.

My amazing house cleaner came this morning -- so the apartment is nice and clean.

I went to water aerobics today -- for the first time since my surgery. It was outside and wonderful. I didn't work especially hard in the pool, but an hour of bouncing around in deepish water felt great!

Especially wonderful was seeing most of my gym pals -- talk about a support group I was missing! We had a good chat during class and more chat in the hot tub.

I'm getting used to not having hair -- and my scalp is calming down already...

So far, so good!

It's gone...

If you've ever wondered what it would be like to shave your head -- I can answer it for you...

It is kind of weird --

My head feels cooler than normal and more than a bit prickly.

Otherwise, I was glad to see the hair go -- I was sick of it coming out on its own.

Today, it comes off...

I'm tired of the shedding --

It is clear to me that my hair will come out -- all of it -- so I'm getting my head shaved today.

Right now I have the hair of some 50ish guy who won't admit they are going bald... and that just isn't my thing.

Plus, I'm tired of having the hair all over the house -- it is just icky.

Where's that comb....

My hair has always been thick and curly... unruly even.

I've never even found combs or brushes useful -- I use my fingers and a bit of product -- and I'm done.

until today -- the shedding has accelerated -- it tickles, itches and my scalp is kind of irritated feeling.

I had a feeling that it would be more comfortable if I could comb it out -- like I do the cats :).

So -- hubby went to CVS to buy me a comb and a brush --

turns out, I was right. The hair is really coming out now, but at least I can contain parts of it in the trash -- sigh.

It will be quite a while until it comes back --- hello hats!

Mom's got an ipod...

Last week my mom finally got DSL.... until recently -- where she lives, the only alternative for high speed internet has been satellite -- and it was expensive.

So, now that she has decent internet access, she's figured out she can download stuff to listen to in the car -- which is an amazing thing for her -- because she loves good radio but can't get it AND because she drives a lot.

So, before she went home today -- we took mom to the Apple Store.... which is something they don't have anyplace close to her. She asked a bunch of questions -- and then bought an 80 gig ipod.... which will let her download an amazing number of books on CD, watch operas on video etc...

She's gone from 1990 to 2008 in about a week.

Chemo update, cycle two...

Really, so far so good. I actually feel pretty good -- an occasional bit of nausea -- but not at all bad. I'm still kind of a picky eater, but mostly because my sense of smell and taste are more acute.

The best thing, I suppose, is that I survived Thursday night/Friday morning without a seizure/trip in the ambulance etc... like happened last time. I'm also much less groggy than the last time AND I have the ever so lovely CPAP machine.

I am noticing accelerated hair shedding -- so it could be the start of my hair loss... I have a lot of hair, so I can stand to lose some -- but this could only be the beginning.... in the next few days I could really look like a CANCER PATIENT.

I've also started to meet some pretty zippy women who are ahead of me on the breast cancer/chemo plan. I'd love to have us get our treatment times coordinated and have a book club. So far I've met three really neat women -- all who come on Thursdays. If we could all sit together, we'd have a hell of a conversation. One of the challenges is that we are all on different length cycles -- hmmmm....

Finally, I met with the nutritionist during my chemo infusion on Thursday. She had some interesting dos and don'ts. Sadly, my days of sushi are over until I'm done with treatment -- I'm ok with avoiding raw meat, red meat and deli sliced meat -- but I'll really miss sushi... sigh. Otherwise, I'm supposed to eat a lot of protein -- much more than I was already. I'm also supposed to drink a lot of water -- mostly to flush the chemo drugs out of my system more quickly. That is supposed to help significantly with the side effects, which seems to be working for me so far.

Assuming I feel well today, Mom and I will be going to Rochester to see my great aunt "PhilosopherP". She's newly moved into an assisted living place and is worried about me... sigh. She's one of my favorite people in the oldest generation of my family -- and when she sees me doing well, being my old sarcastic self etc -- she'll call the others and let them worry less.

Of course, she or the others in that generation would never call me -- or even Mom if they were worried -- they'd just call one another and worry on the phone. Mom's generation calls mom for updates, sends me stuff and worries -- but doesn't call. Of course, they are also in communication with my cousins -- most of whom are on facebook and send me e-mails, so they get updates as necessary :). Yea -- my family is weird.... but, probably not all that unusual.