The cat and the CPAP

Last night was my first night at home with the CPAP machine...

As I was falling asleep, I felt a tug on the hose --

New Kitty was trying to play with it.

Hubby kicked her out of the bedroom for the night and I went right to sleep...

When I let her in this morning she sat on my pillow and stared at the machine.

Extra Toes didn't even notice. He's kind of like the dumb-jock of the house, while she's the brainy girl whose into science and not so interested in boys...

Rocks in my bra... they help.

The story of me and rocks in my bra has three parts....

Part One...
The summer I was 17, I started putting rocks in my bra.

I was spending a lot of time with my friend Beth and my little sister Pam. Mom worked a lot, I had an old stationwagon and Beth more or less lived with us that summer. The only real restrictions we had were that our entertainment couldn't cost much money and we had to be home when Mom got home from work. As you can imagine, we had a lot of fun that summer....

One of the things we did was to 'rearrange' "For Sale" signs. I'd drive, Pam and Beth would hop out and do the rearranging part. We'd move signs from the houses to the homes of our friends -- the school -- or wherever would amuse us. We/I never drank and drove -- we'd save the drinking for AFTER the driving....

As we'd drive along, we'd talk. The three of us, at the time, were pretty flat chested and this was a common topic of conversation. At one stop Beth grabbed a handful of rocks and gave them to us to fill our bras... because "if we put something in there, maybe the real ones will get the picture and grow..." Beth was always practical like that -- I miss her.

The next fall and winter, Beth and I turned 18... so we stopped doing illegal stuff because we'd be adults and it would be on our permanent record if/when we got caught. Not long after that, Beth moved away and we lost touch. A while later, my chest grew... and I didn't need the rocks.

Part Two, almost seven years ago....
My sister Pam died when she was barely 30 and I was almost 33. It was sudden and shocking and probably the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me (yes, including the breast cancer... at least so far). Nobody that hasn't lost a sibling like that can really understand how hard it is -- and I don't expect you to, nor do I wish that experience on my worst enemy (well.. no, really not -- not even her... ).

When we got to my mom's place the Sunday after she died, I went into the guest room. Pam died up at my mom's -- and I could feel her spirit there with me.

I looked down at the bedside table and saw a small blue-gray rock. I immediately slipped it into my bra on the left side, just to have something of Pam with me.

The rock stayed with me all week. Every hug I got -- I felt it. Every time I thought I couldn't survive this awfulness, I'd feel it and know that was just dramatic BS. I would survive, I'd prosper and although I'd miss her -- my life would go on.

I wish I could say that I have that particular rock with me -- but, it disappeared shortly after Pam's funeral. I suppose I didn't need it as badly then as I did the first few days after she died.

Part Three
June, this year...

The thing about having a mastectomy is that you suddenly become uneven. I'm pretty well endowed, so I'm VERY uneven... and, while I'm getting used to it, it does provoke some odd looks...

Also, getting a proper prosthesis requires measuring etc -- that can't be done until the incision is fully healed. That healing takes 6-8 weeks. In the meantime, I've been using a breastform full of synthetic stuffing. The problem with the breast form is that it tends to look perky, while my natural breast looks like it belongs to a 39 year old woman.

The solution -- rocks. Right now I have about four in the form -- but it may need either bigger ones or a couple more... they nestle nicely into the stuffing and don't seem to move, but the fake one is still a bit too perky.

and -- once again, I have rocks in my bra. Pam and Beth would be so proud.

A vacation in review....

Overall, we had a lovely time. The weather was nice, the lake was amazing and different every day, and the potter was cool as hell -- like usual.

Things we probably won't do again...

• Stay at the Suites hotel in Duluth. It was overpriced and under comfortable. It was full of people wanting to party and families with zillions of kids. It was also pretty expensive, even after the 'I have cancer, feel sorry for me' discount. Not impressed -- at all.
  
• The harbor tour -- it was great and all, but once you've seen it, you've seen it.
• We are unlikely to even return to Duluth over a weekend -- too many people from the cities, other obnoxious people and -- this time of year -- Fins... It was "Fin-Fest" -- so, that translated into many dour old women from across the country who are proud enough of being Finnish to come to Duluth. No thanks... We'll give Duluth a try in the winter when things are snowy and the lake is starting to freeze...
  
• Sven and Ole's pizza -- I know it is a tradition, but it is f-ing overrated pizza. We have about a zillion good pizza places at home and Grand Marais has lots of actually good restaurants. Fighting the crowds at Sven and Ole's for soggy and bland pizza just isn't worth the hassle.

Things we'll do again...

• Stay at the second hotel. Much less expensive, much more comfortable -- with an amazing view of the lake, really nice employees and owner and the best non-office workspace I've found on the road. If you are ever headed up the North Shore of Lake Superior -- let me know and I'll give you the details.
  
• Go to the Potter -- although, we might stop at his store in Thunder Bay first -- going to the actual home/studio is worth the trip, if only to refresh my images of my fantasy home...
  
• Go back to Hell's Kitchen -- and the old steakhouse in Duluth. Both were excellent meals.... We'll also probably go back to the weird bakery in Tofte, now that we have an idea about how they do things... sigh.
  
• Walk on Duluth's lakewalk... and explore Minnesota Point (where we'll live if we end up moving to Duluth... very cool, funky neighborhood).
  
• Pick up rocks for my bra along Lake Superior.... (a post will follow soon about rocks in my bra..).
• Go to the World's Best Donuts -- because, seriously, they are THE BEST... I kid you not.
• Go to Drury Lane Books... because I always find something good to read there.
  

Out the window of my 'office'...

The Superior lake, and the gray sky are meeting... very close. Huge seaguls are fighting for bits of bread... they are almost as fun as Styley's parrots.

Yesterday we could see Cheeseland, today, we can see the close-up water, but not much else.

It is a perfect day to write -- and we are doing just that...

Lunch is our collection of 'room food' -- and dinner will more than likely be from "Sven and Ole's Pizza" --- I kid you not...

Tomorrow we will return to the heat and humidity of BNCC -- but, just for today -- we'll live in our heads and look out onto a beautiful lake.

A new place to 'work'...

Our current hotel has a wonderful breakfast room (like many Best Westerns). It overlooks the Superior Lake, has comfy chairs and internet.

Since the room rates here are decent (now, in peak time) and seem to drop when we'll really need a break -- we'll probably be back....

and, next time the weather should be crappy -- So, what else will we have to do but write and look out at the lake / snow.

Next time I'll grocery shop for room food in advance -- and actually plan to work instead of dawdling on the net... sigh.

Tomorrow, I will write -- now that I'm caught up.

RBO -- the vacation, pt 2

• I have a new tie-dye t-shirt. We bought them from a vendor on the way up here... hubby and I look like a pair of hippie freaks on vacation... between the shirts and or mac laptops, it seems to be a complete picture.
• Even after washing my hands, my fingers still smell of the smoked fish I had for lunch.
• We went to the potter.
• I now have a new water pitcher -- and a really cool container for my kitchen tools. I'd have loved to bring more things home -- but the stuff is expensive and I couldn't immediately articulate a use -- so they had to stay there.
• I'd love to live where the potter lives -- it is out on a small island, in a protected corner of the Superior lake. The house is beautiful -- and surrounded by woods and flower gardens... really heavenly.
• On our drive up to Canadia -- and back down to our hotel, we listened to a ton of 80s songs on XM. It was really fun -- because we've known one another since 1986 -- so some memories were joint, and others were before we met.
  
• Today we've been pretty lazy -- a couple of short trips to the lake, a nap and now some quiet time until dinner. We're staying someplace that is on a cliff overlooking the lake, so when I look out the window all I see are a few pretty trees framing the amazing lake.
• The internet here is better than the expensive place -- as is the bed and the service.
  
• I'm getting more and more used to the CPAP breathing thing at night --- last night I got 5 hours of deep sleep, only interrupted when hubby touched me to see if I was still alive, because I was so quiet...
  
• Learning to use the mask on the CPAP is very odd -- because you need to breathe in and out using only your nose (on this kind of mask). I have a kind of anxiety about lying in bed, in the dark, trying to fall asleep... really, it is the boredom I hate. At home I have a radio on a talk station, which helps. On vacation, my ipod with a podcast has been a suitable replacement -- despite the fact that it adds another set of wires and equipment to the bedtime ritual.
• Hubby's seeing the dangers of me getting enough sleep... for years, when I called him a 'freak' or a 'weirdo', he'd respond with "who is the X -- the X or the person who married the X" -- the first few times he worried that I'd figure out the obvious logical flaws, 1) that he admitted to being the X and 2) that both parts of that statement can be true.... and 3) I can easily be an X, love an X without being one...
  
• YEA chocolate...
  

Canadian Internet...

Hubby took me to Canada yesterday... so, now it is the case that breast cancer hasn't cheated me out of going to Canada... YEA!

On the way up there, we'd been discussing the cognitive differences of thinking in terms of kilometers/ and KPH...

We then moved on to discuss the possibility of living in rural Ontario, how wonderful it would be to teach all of our stuff on-line and live in the woods like the hermits we aspire to become...

then, Hubby says, "You know, we'd have a problem because the internet is slower in Canada."

I, being lost in the daydream of living by a Canadian lake said, "really --- why?" I was anticipating something akin to less infrastructure per person than in the US, some degree of censorship slowing things down etc...

He says, "It's metric"...

A Superior lake it is...(now with photos)

An amazingly Superior great lake --- at sunrise...

Me -- in the tub with part of Styley's gift! This could end up being one of the last photos of my hair -- but, no matter what, my toes will be cute!

On amazing on-line friends and a good night's sleep!

Yesterday I got two really amazing things...

My good friend Styley sent me a box of Serenity from Lush! It arrived just in time for our trip to the Superior great lake. Today we have a quick trip to best buy for a card reader -- so anticipate a photo ala Jo(e) from the tub! I have to say, being friends with Styley has some distinct benefits!! I used a bath melt and I really didn't want to get out of the tub!

The other amazing thing I got yesterday was a "CPAP" machine. A sleep study showed that I have severe sleep apnea -- What that means is when I sleep, my airway closes, so I semi-wake up to start breathing again. Apparently in the sleep test I did this nearly 70 times in an hour.... they admit that number is probably higher than is the case at home, in my bed -- but, even if it is inflated by %50, it is still significant.

Last night was my first with the machine -- and, while the mask will take some getting used to, I'm willing to work out the kinks, because even after only about 4-5 hours sleeping with it last night, I feel great! The thing is, what the machine does is to condense air and force it into my airway so it won't close when I fall asleep... I try to breathe normally through my nose and go to sleep -- and the machine makes sure I don't have to wake up to open my airway again...

So -- in the last 24 hours I've had a very pampering gift from Styley, and some very refreshing sleep... what more can a girl ask for?

oh yea....

... in the mail today....

A couple of floppy hats, in time for our vacation and the hairloss that will follow...

and -- an ambulance bill for $1500.00.

Folks, I don't live in the country. My trip to the hospital takes no more than 10 minutes by car. The first responders were here in 3 minutes flat -- so it isn't as if they have far to go.

$1500.00 is outrageous.

of course, my insurance will pay for it -- and that seems to be exactly WHY it is so high.

and... so far the bill as of the end of June was over $41,000. That doesn't cover my trip to the hospital for my port, my ER/hospital trip last weekend or most of the stuff necessary just to start chemo.

My insurance is being very good about paying stuff -- but, I can easily see why 80% of personal bankruptcies involve a significant hospital bill. Hubby and I make a good salary together and we'd never be able to pay that.

If losing one boob and doing preventative chemo is so expensive, I can't even imagine the bills some of the people in my chemo cohort are facing. We need a national healthcare system, and we need it yesterday!

A charming evening at the pool...

I'm trying to exercise every day--- even when I don't want to. There is just too much evidence about exercise helping with chemo and preventing the return of cancer to avoid it.

Tonight I took a walk over to the pool -- then I did very low level water aerobics while reading a book... The pool was empty, and for part of the time I balanced my book on a floating disc while I walked around in the warm water.

Really, it was perfect. So perfect in fact that I'll probably do it again tomorrow evening.

When I get back from vacation, I'll start back with my water aerobics class -- by then even my cautious surgeon can't complain about getting my chest wet and I really, really miss my water aerobics pals... sigh. At least I'll be able to spend August doing something I planned to start at Memorial Day --- dammed breast cancer...

RBO, I can't wait for our vacation...

• Met another doctor today -- he ordered a sleep study, like we wanted him to do. I'll do that tomorrow --- results to follow in August.... sigh.
• A quick trip to the vampire (I mean, oncologist's lab) yesterday revealed that my blood is still somehow normal... YEA.
• The hated cable/internet company came by today -- and they sent someone that may actually fix the flipping problem, not tell us to re-boot. I guess complaining for a year and saying things like "no wonder many of our neighbors have dishes on their balconies..." may have got their attention.
  
• If our cable/internet worked in practice like it is supposed to in theory, it is pretty f-ing cool... but, so far, not so much so.
• New Kitty is being kind of weird -- nice, but weird.
• My aunt and cousin I never get to see left me a bouquet -- we were just out swimming and didn't know they were coming.... She used to have a floral store and the flowers are AMAZING. I'm sad to have missed them.
• D1 & D2 came to visit -- they are all kinds of fun.... both of them will have had a European adventure by the time they start school again in the fall.... D1 is back from his with stories and photos -- D2 starts his on Friday. Here's wishing him exactly the limit of his ability to handle adventuresome situations... and no more. He has a couple of weeks on his own -- and I know his good sense and ability to get along with anybody will keep him safe -- I also hope he finds some amazing fun he can't explain to anybody...
• D2 told me one of my favorite female philosopher/aunt is building a cabin in my mom's general neighborhood. I may never see her there, but just knowing she'll be in the area makes me smile!!
  
• Sunshine and a pal came by to see me. It was nice to have some girl talk! She's thinking about her own business adventures -- of course, if anybody can make it work -- I know Sunshine will... She also brought me some very sweet comfort gifts...
  
• I'm getting excited about our trip north. We'll spend two nights in a smaller city --- in a very comfy room with all the bells and whistles. I'll get a facial at a spa... ahhh.... then on Sunday we'll go to a place built on a cliff overhanging a Great Lake... where we'll spend three days. On one of those days we'll take a day trip to Canadia -- to look around and visit a very cool pottery....
  

A new doctor...

... this one is a lung specialist -- which is, it seems, how I'll be able to access a sleep study.

There is unofficial agreement that I have sleep apnea. The solution is a machine that pushes air into my lungs as I sleep. The result is that I actually get to sleep the whole night instead of waking to start breathing again...

.... 'cuz the running theory is that my seizure on Friday was due to low oxygen -- my anti-nausea drugs, plus Tylenol PM, put me too deeply asleep to wake when I didn't have enough oxygen...

The result was a trip to the ER.

So, the news that I got in quickly so far was welcome... who knows what will happen next--- but, this is a good thing.

and -- since I have no sense, we stayed up too late watching Deadliest Catch -- so I'll need a nap this afternoon.

Hubby shouldn't leave me alone...

... because you never know what I'll plan for him --

I think we'll go here at the end of Chemo --- for at least three days....

I wonder if they have holiday specials -- or January discounts... maybe we could just move in, I wonder if they accept cats?

Breast Cancer and AAA...

... it seems that telling hotel reservation people I've got breast cancer and am doing chemo gets me the same discount as being a member of AAA or AARP.

Really, I think joining AAA would have been easier -- but, I'll take it.

Meet Finegan...

...Finegan is the cranky old-man picky eater who has recently occupied my tummy.

Finegan gets what he wants....immediately and in smallish quantities, in case he changes his mind in the middle...

Today he wanted a rootbeer float and some chicken nuggets.

No Canada for us.... sigh

So, we've canceled the Canada trip for the moment -- but Hubby insists we'll go, so we will :).

Also, I'm so not used to my stomach having a veto over what I'm about to put in my mouth... It is kind of like being tied to a cranky old picky-eating person... and, just as you are about to put something innocent like a banana in your mouth -- he says "no you don't sister -- or you'll be sorry... really f-ing sorry".

Since the anti-nausea medicine makes me too sleepy to wake up when I have sleep apnea, I'm not taking it...

I suppose this is one way to diet.

Update...

Hey all, I'm home and a little loopy from the anti-seizure medication I have to take until they can rule out epilepsy with a head MRI....

Overall, I'm feeling well -- thanks for all the kind words and wishes!!

Reports of my demise are exaggerated...

Hey all,

I'm feeling much better than this time yesterday.

From what we can tell, my sleep apnea combined with several sedatitve effects, put me in too deep a sleep to wake from when my oxygen level dropped -- and I had a seizure. Jason was in bed with me -- he grabbed my mom who did mouth to mouth for a minute or two while the ambulance came...

The first thing I remember is waking up in the ER... so I missed all the excitement.

Yesterday they wouldn't give me any food -- so I felt pretty nauseas, but today I feel pretty good and I expect that they'll let me go home. I'll have to have a sleep study to sort out the apnea -- but, otherwise I'm healthy.... I promise.

A Bit of a Setback

ITPF is in the hospital. She had a seizure early this morning and had to be taken to the ER. Cause is still a bit of a mystery. Unfortunately, it looks like her premonition that she will be "cheated out of Canadia" may turn out to be true. (But not if I have anything to say about it -- postponement != cancellation.)

Thank you to everyone who has sent prayers and good wishes.

P.S. We finally found something that scares New Kitty. Apparently, having 6 large med-techs come stomping into the house is enough to send her under the coffee table with Extra-Toes.

One more reason to love Hubby...

... he brought home another nice set of poker winnings....

Enough to pay for our hotels and gas for our trip to Canadia.... Which, considering we are staying at nice places, in the summer AND drive a Jeep, is pretty darned good.

Thinking about kids...

Seeking Solace has me thinking about having kids....

She writes a very honest post about motherhood and her decision not to become a mother. As usual, she's quite thoughtful -- go read it...

... and, she has me thinking.

I wonder if we'll end up adopting a child or two who were orphaned by someone who didn't survive breast cancer.

Hubby and I have discussed adopting an older child (once we work in the same friggin area code). By that time, we could be pushing 45 -- which is pretty old to start adopting an infant.

Also, while I like other people's infants -- I have very little interest in having one of my own...they are kind of like very fashionable shoes to me, they are wonderful, beautiful, and belong in other people's homes (if not their closets).

But -- the idea of having children (as opposed to babies) is another story. See, children are interesting because they can talk and say fun stuff...

For example, just yesterday my cousin and her daughter (7) were at a cathedral in Prague... They saw a group in sweatshirts that said "BNState Chorus" --

My cousin said 'My cousin grew up there" -- and her precious and precocious daughter said, "Your cousins grew up in a chorus?" --

Yea -- I could have one of them ----

So -- that lead me to think that my child/children may have already been born --- I just haven't met them yet.

This may be a chemo thought -- but, really -- maybe not.

Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty good -- mom went out for Vietnamese food, and Hubby went to play poker. The cats are snoozing and all is well -- so far. Of course, with all the anti-nausea medicine they put in me, I should be feeling good!

Chemo, cycle 1, day 1

So far, so good -- they gave me IV anti-nausea drugs for about 45 minutes before they started anything else. I feel a bit fuzzy, but generally pretty good.

I met someone who is on the same clinical trial I'm on, but she's entering the second phase. It was good to meet her -- I suspect we'll be Thursday chemo pals this summer..

New Kitty Responds...

Mom is gone, so I want to have my say...

First of all -- I'm not really New Kitty anymore, I prefer Princess Purrrfect.

Now, to reply to Mom's questions --

1) What is she hunting? --- I hunt everything. Bugs, leaves, birds and bits of fluff. I do it because I'm borrrred. I'll explain more later...

2) What does she have against the DOT!? I hate, hate, hate that f-ing dot. I want to hunt it down, kill it and bring it's corpse to daddy. I don't know where the dot hides, although I suspect Mom has something to do with it -- as the DOT! doesn't come out when she and daddy are gone.

3) Does she really see herself in the bathroom mirror? Yes, of course I do. Mom and dad look in the mirror and so do I. Just because extra-toes is an oaf who hasn't discovered the wonder that is me in the mirror doesn't mean that cats can't see themselves. I also look at myself in the bedroom mirror and the dresser mirror... or, haven't you been watching me carefully enough....sigh. I suppose you see me because I need to supervise your bathroom activity -- and, although I don't approve of that water pouring on your head, I let it go -- so let me look at myself in the mirror in peace.

4) What does she think is in the hall? In the hall is EVERYTHING I want to hunt. There is also a lot of stuff that needs scenting. I've been in the hall twice recently -- and both times daddy paid attention to me... so, daddy's attention is in the hall. When 'school' starts, I'm also sure that daddy is just down the hall -- and mom is keeping me from him because she's jealous -- bitch. Also, I can't tolerate closed doors -- and in the hall there are many more closed doors for me to challenge... just knowing they are out there is very tempting --- so, next time pay attention to me when I demand to be let out, or I'll grow thumbs and let myself out.

5) How did she get blue ink on her right front paw? Umm -- that's private, mom. I'm not nearly as good at handling a ballpoint pen as you are, so it isn't nice to poke fun. If you must know, I'm trying to learn to write long hand. I've been reading on-line etiquette sites, they say that handwritten notes are better form than e-mail, so I figured I need to be able to write if I'm going to be polite.

The mysteries of New Kitty

1) What is she hunting? This question gets asked several times per day. The answer is almost always 'nothing'.

2) What does she have against THE DOT!? The laser pointer sends her into a frenzy.

3) Does she really see herself in the bathroom mirror? She seems to be admiring herself in the mirror on a daily basis -- usually while she's supposed to be supervising my shower. If the mirror is fogged up, she'll face me in the shower -- putting her back to the mirror.

4) What does she think is in the hall? Today Hubby and I let her into the hallway for a few minutes. We live at the end, in the equivalent of a hallway cul-de-sac... so Hubby could block a streak down the hall. She sniffed, looked and explored every corner. Our thinking was that if she sees there is nothing out there, she'll stop charging the door -- but, so far that hasn't seemed to be the case.

5) How did she get blue ink on her right front paw? It looks like she wrote on herself... Hubby says he didn't write on her -- and I know I didn't do it. Extra-toes can't hold a pen and nobody else has been here for a few days... So, how did she end up with blue ink on her white fur?

Is it cold down there in hell???

Really, I think Hell must have frozen over...

I just did some internet stalking -- Hubby and I have our first days of classes in the same week in August AND finals week is the same week in December.

We haven't had alignment like this -- ever... usually his school starts and ends earlier than mine... in at least one year my school started earlier and ended later... grrr. Don't ask me how that one happened -- you'll get a rant about unions and faux-holidays.

A hair cut and attitude adjustment...

First of all -- my surgeon told me I could go in the water next week -- so, no water aerobics tomorrow... but, when I get back from Canada, we're all set!

I also decided to get a short haircut -- on the theory that if it all falls out, it will be less traumatic to have short bits fall out than the longer bits... of course, this also means that all of my highlights are cut off, and as a result my gray hair is showing, boo.

After my doctor's appointment and haircut, I had a good long coffee with a pal. She's all kinds of fun and we talked about an incredible number of good and hard times. I'm so glad she's my friend -- her sassy attitude will be a great help for me this year. We're planning a trip to her cabin to write -- she's working on a book and I have the dissertation... always the dissertation... sigh. I think a weekend in the woods might be a good time to focus!

New prep and Chemo don't mix

In April I ordered a new textbook for my standard ethics course.

I also have a quasi-new course -- which I'm happy to have and don't want to change. But -- that course has me re-thinking my book order for my other ethics course. I've even outlined a really cool course -- one I'd love to take, say nothing of teaching...

Now I don't think it is a good idea.... it is amazing what a shower will do for your sense of perspective.

So, I'll change it -- and order the old-friend textbook for the quasi-new course as well.

dang it -- maybe next semester... after chemo.

RBOC.... where the C is either for crap or cancer...

• We declared Sunday a 'day off' -- apparently Sunday means 'Sunday AND Monday' -- must get to work tomorrow...
• We went shopping at three distinct types of grocery stores today... the local 'we're expensive and yummy' store, CostCo and Rainbow Foods... the expensive store was after breakfast and we didn't know what we wanted. CostCo was more of an adventure shop to stock up on chemo foodstuff like graham crackers, applesauce, etc..., Rainbow was an impulse run for Fritos and taco salad.
• Tomorrow I have a coffee date with a good pal. I'm looking forward to it...
  
• Tomorrow, before the coffee date, I have a follow-up with the surgeon. I'm hoping she'll say I can FINALLY go swimming. Dammit, I really hate not being able to go in the water.
• My surgeon said nice things about me when I was semi-conscious under anesthesia... that was nice.
  
• I like my surgeon because the first time she met me, she told me that "women's lib forced insurance companies to cover breast cancer surgeries and you can change your mind later to have more surgery if you'd like, you don't have to make the decision now." The use of the term 'women's lib' cracked me up --
  
• My surgeon has a daughter who is a student at BNCC. My las appointment we spent some time talking about her, and students with her challenges. Honestly, I can't imagine being her daughter... mom is a high-powered and highly educated surgeon -- and her daughter is having challenges completing classes at BNCC.... I've told her to feel free to direct her daughter to come chat with me --- I'm hoping that since I'm someone who understands her mother, I can help her deal with her....
• Hubby is very good at wii bowling. He can do it with both hands -- and has worked several miis (wii characters) up to 'pro' status -- giving us sparkly balls.
• Please give me the 'surgeon says you can swim' vibe --- I'm tempted to put the gym bag in the car just in case... after coffee with my pal, I'll be about 1/3 of the way to the good gym with the nice pool...
  
• I'm really f-ing excited about our trip to Canada. The rooms are more expensive than I'd like -- so we are taking a shorter trip... but, I'm excited --- especially since Hubby won some extra gas money playing poker yesterday...
  
• I don't feel at all guilty about playing the 'I have cancer' card -- or the 'I'm starting chemo' card. Dammit, if I have to feel like crap, lose a boob, get a device implanted in me, lose my hair and get pitied because I have cancer -- the least I can do is to get a bit of leeway on cancellation policies at the Best Western!
• My mastectomy hospital bill, $16,666.15 --- that is just the hospital bill. I'm sure the radiology will be more -- since the mamography/songraphy/biopsy stuff was about $7,000. An additional breast scan was about $1200.... and I don't even have all the bills yet. Thank God I have good health insurance and only need to come up with $1100.00 total for the year.
  

We're going to Canadia...

I've just booked our trip to the great white north...

We'll go next week --- hopefully I'll be over the nausea and won't have lost my hair yet....

think good thoughts for me...

--- of course, you know I played the 'I'm starting chemo on Thursday and I may be too nauseas to make the trip, what's your cancellation policy?' card. The answer was quite positive...

I'm intolerant of intolerance...

... which is sort of like hitting the mean of the mean...

A post by New Kid on Atheism got me thinking about intolerance...

She describes an old attitude she had about religion --"Before grad school, I was pretty anti-religion, and considered almost any expression of religion as an imposition on my right to be religion-free." She continues on to describe how her study of history has changed her point of view on religion and the religious... it is a very thoughtful post, so you should go read it.

I'd like to take issue with the position she held before grad school -- the idea that any expression of religion somehow prevents her from being religion-free.

Really, that is the same kind of nonsense that argues against same-sex marriage because it will destroy traditional hetero marriage...

I just don't understand how someone else having a belief and acting on that belief in an innocuous way harms another person. How does the family next to me at McD's, who prays before eating their cheeseburgers, somehow infect me? Can religion be spread like a cold? If I, as a person, am not strong enough in my position on religion to have it in my vicinity -- then perhaps my position is wrong? I really think that is the point -- people who are so hostile toward religious expression are afraid of seeing something that will change their mind.

Please understand, I'm not talking about blatant or even subtle crossing of the church/state division. I'm not talking about situations in which social pressure is used in the workplace to coerce religious practice. I'm not even talking about situations within families that place subtle pressure on members to go to church...

I'm talking about the people who freak out because someone puts up a religious display on private property -- that is adjacent to a well-traveled road. I'm talking about an innocent invitation for a new family in the neighborhood to join a practicing family at church. I'm talking about someone who quietly says a prayer before a meal.... Those folks face intolerance on a regular basis -- and I think it is really, really stupid and wrong that they have to do so.

So glad it's gone....

my left breast, that is...

I read an 2004 account of Elizabeth Edward's breast cancer. They did chemo for her first, then surgery followed by radiation.

That isn't what I'm doing -- I'm surgery first, then chemo and probably no radiation, because they don't have a tumor or breast to focus on. I'm glad the whole breast is gone. Sure, it would have been nice to save it -- but, I'm glad I'm not walking around with a tumor.

I know cancer treatments are complex and vary by the kind of cancer and the person. I suppose in Edward's case they wanted to start chemo right away to limit the spread -- since she had lymph nodes involved as well... and you can't do chemo while you are recovering from surgery.

So, in the end, I should be happy that I don't have to have the surgery after the chemo -- when I'm bald and tired...

and -- I'm glad the breast with the tumor is in a lab someplace and no longer connected to me!!

Tornado Drill....

BNCC is in the upper midwest ---

Since I grew up here, the weather doesn't really bother me much -- but, once in a while things get exciting and the sirens go off...

like tonight.

So, Hubby and I back-up dissertation files, grab our laptops and other vital things, throw the cats in the carrier and head for the basement garage.

Of course the cats aren't really happy about it, but despite their view of the world, they don't get a vote.

Tonight was a quick trip and nothing serious happened -- but it is good to know we can evacuate if necessary...

There's nothing like Chemo class...

... to make me feel young and healthy.

I didn't learn anything new in the class -- mostly because I have a really good research nurse in the clinical trial. She discussed all the information in the class with us individually.

The other patients in the class were in much worse shape than me -- two had multiple medical problems and one (the only guy) had a real attitude -- He needs 120 straight hours of a slow chemo feed -- so they give him a little pack to wear... I thought that would be a good thing --- but, I don't think I'd like to have that on me all the time, so I'm happy not to have to do it.

I'll probably see his wife this summer, as she'll be there with her mother on Thursdays.
Goodness -- I can't imagine my mother and my husband having chemo at the same time.

So, a week from today I ought to be nauseated and feeling kind of punky -- maybe with bone aches... yippee... Three weeks or so from today I could easily lose my hair.

The IRS and faculty pay...

I got a letter from HR today...

The essence of the letter is that the IRS has a new regulation about faculty pay. It goes into effect at the beginning of the next school year...

The basic idea is that we must choose, now and forevermore, whether we want to be paid over 9 or 12 months. Once we make this change and the school year starts, we are not allowed to change it.... EVER.

I know some faculty members have changed their payment schedules due to sabbaticals etc -- Since I've never done it, I assume that they had to do so for a year and at the change in the school year.

Did your HR interpret the regulation this way, or is BNCC's crew screwy?

Wise words about Extra-Toes...

Sometimes Extra-Toes just isn't the brightest kitty in the litter...

Tonight we decided that 'good cat', 'nice cat' and 'smart cat' don't always come in the same package... at least not in his case.

... but, we love him anyway.

Isn't cable TV...

... supposed to have a good signal?

Ours sucks --- because we have a cheap-ass provider who has one Direct TV dish on the top of the building and then they put the signal out using the internet infrastructure...

I've complained about the internet before -- now, when the internet gets bad, so do some random TV channels...

ggarrrrrrrr.

I called to complain yesterday. They sent a tech out today who literally didn't do or know ANYTHING. He also told us several factual things that were plain old wrong -- like that a computer in the household can cause our problems if they have 10 bit internet cards in them. Of course, he was looking in our den and saw two computers -- of course, he was too ignorant to realize that our new Macs don't have 10 bit internet --- AND he was too stupid to know that the one thing doesn't impact the other that way....

The tech also called the guy who usually works with our building. It seems that they supposedly have been working here for three days. If that was the case, why didn't the office know that and tell us that it was being fixed?

Really folks, it isn't that complicated. Y'all can just let us have our old analog signal back, take back your fancy equipment and let me put the TIVO in again....and I'll stop calling. But, if you are going to charge us more and give us a worse product, I'll call you until you actually fix things.

In the meantime, Hubby and I might just go to the community picnic this weekend -- if only to get signatures on a letter begging Comcast to provide service to us... t

By the way....

... why didn't someone tell me that buying extra bagels at Panera, having them slice them and then freeze them is a brilliant food move?

They toast up perfectly in my toaster (which has a bagel setting... ). A little cream cheese and I feel like I've had a quasi-decent meal...

hmmm

Old friends....

In a prior life I worked for a beauty supplier -- we were the wholesale distributor for haircare lines, color, perms and everything you'd need to run your own salon.

One of our lines was for thinning hair -- and every once in a while I'd have a phone call from a salon about a chemo patient who didn't lose their hair while using this line.

Of course, that was many years ago -- and I'd forgotten the special combination of things....

....so, I had to call an old friend, tell him some bumming-out news and get the right stuff.

I know he'd have been mad if I didn't have to call him, but he's someone who will worry about me but never call to check on me. He's also in Red State most of the time, so I don't run into him -- and I never would have had to tell him if I didn't need the special shampoo...

I should admit that talking to him was nice -- because he knew me a long time ago -- and he was kind of like the older brother I never wanted, but miss when I don't see him :). On the other hand, bumming him out made me sad....

but -- I have the stuff, I tried it today.... and I'll let you know what happens...

The thing about this line is that they used to include info on how chemo patients could use it -- but, because each person reacts differently to chemo in terms of hair loss, they could never prove that the people who both used it and kept their hair, didn't lose their hair because of the shampoo. The Cancer Industrial Complex went nuts on them and they pulled back the info --

on the other hand, I figure that it can't hurt -- the shampoo itself is good and will be good to wash my scalp with, if all I'm left with is scalp :).

THE bag...

First of all -- it was nice to have a day out running around on my own time...

I found some hair stuff that is supposed to help with/ prevent hair loss in chemo... we'll see if it works.

I found a bunch of pajamas on sale -- because every cancer patient needs more pajamas...

I also found a bag -- it is beautiful, it has wheels and it is too small. I just can't get all the stuff I'll need into it.... so it is going back. The one I'm returning is very similar to this one. I got it at Office Max for less than the Franklin Covey price.

Instead I'm going to get this one... which I can only get at the Franklin Covey store -- the good thing is that they give a %20 education discount on bags, so the price will be closer to the Office Max price -- for a bigger bag. The only sad thing is that it only comes in black... sigh.

Today I've already spent some time writing, now I have a couple of other errands to run and a pedicure scheduled at 1:30 :).

bag shopping....

So, now I have a left arm that isn't supposed to carry heavy stuff and a port near my shoulder on my right side...

So, of course, this means I need a good rolling bag.

Today I'll go shopping for a new school bag...

It should be cute, hold a lot -- and have both handles and a shoulder strap.

I've looked on e-bags and now I'm going to look in person :).

Do you have any suggestions??

Two kinds of installations...

First - the installation of the port in me went very well. Once the surgeon actually got to me (3ish hours late...) it took about 30 minutes and the anesthesia wasn't a problem.

What I didn't know was that the port is completely under my skin -- so I won't have a tube hanging out or anything... you can feel a triangular lump under my skin, and it may look a little odd, but it isn't like I have visible, obvious equipment.... YEA!

Second -- when we got home, we saw they'd installed ceiling fans in both our den and our bedroom. Ever since our first place with a ceiling fan, I've loved them. I know they aren't in style or anything -- but, these are all white and thus not obnoxious -- and they give me breeze!

progress report...

I'm feeling pretty good and am mostly off of pain medication-- which, in terms of cancer treatments, seems to be a sign that I need to move to another step.

Tomorrow they'll put in a port. It is, more or less, a permanent tube for my chemo. Apparently the chemo drugs are really hard on veins. Breast cancer patients usually only have one arm to work with anyway, so we end up having these ports put in. The port comes out near my collar bone (I think).

I'm not sure how they work-- but, it will be with me at least until December, so I'd better get used to the idea.

The port involves minor surgery, thus another trip to the hospital. I'll be sedated, so I can't eat anything between now and then. I know the routine -- I just don't like it. The good thing is that I now trust my surgeon AND I know what to tell the anesthesia people -- namely that I get motion sickness....

Last time I was in there, I spewed across the room as I woke up -- I wonder if the recovery nurses will remember me?

We got a Wii.....

Every summer Hubby and I do one financially irresponsible thing.

Last year was a computer, this year we bought our first ever (together) new game system.

I'll let you know how it goes....

on falsies...

While in Junior High it was pretty easy to stuff a bra with sox.....

as an adult woman, it isn't easy to make the fake one look like the real one...

sigh.

I'd not bother at all, but having the fake one is more comfortable in many instances -- especially in the car with the seatbelt. Plus, I get fewer funny looks out in public.

Pretty soon I'll be able to be fitted for a real prosthesis -- until then, they'll be uneven.

At the oncologist's last time I saw a woman who was clearly in for the first time post mastectomy. I hope things go well for her and that she heals as quickly as I am.

A purrrfect 4th...

We spent the day hanging around home... I was mostly under one cat or another, reading for fun and watching stupid stuff on TV.

About 8 PM I woke Hubby from a nap -- we got some KFC and went over to the park to wait for the fireworks.

When we got to the park, we found a perfect place -- up on a hill, under a tree. We ate, we giggled and we people watched.... boy did we people watch.

Our little suburb is full of hicks and dumb-asses with fireworks. Really folks, I need to claim to be from another suburb, because claiming to live in this one is just a bit embarrassing.

Finally, it was dusk -- an my little, hicky suburb did a really awesome show... It takes a lot to satisfy my appetite for fireworks, and this show actually did it.

In the end, we walked back to the car in the dark -- with the rest of the folks. Thank goodness they were either out of their own fireworks or too tired to shoot them off into the crowd.

Ideas from TV...

• Does everyone on Southwest Airlines drink a lot? I don't get to fly Southwest (because of monopoly air) -- but, it seems like the old TV show "Airline" features one drunk per 30 minute show....
  
• I'm itching to write a feminist / class analysis of "Dirty Dancing". It came out in 1987 -- and very few women my age didn't want to be "Baby" --- she was cute, smart, brave AND she got the hot boy.... I have a rule that I've got to watch it to the end if I find it on TV. Now that we have 3 months of movie channels, I may see it a few times :) -- both the class and gender messages in the movie were fascinating to me this time around... especially as expressed in Baby's clothing changes and the $250.00 abortion story-line.. I've got plenty else to write these days -- but the movie got me thinking. Even the "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" line seemed nearly brilliant and profound...
• Why do I watch shows about other people working? I watch the following: Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers, Ax Men, Gold Rush (about oil rigs), Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef, Design Star, Food Network Star, Shear Genius and Project Runway.... in addition to the re-runs of Airline. ALL of them are about people at work, doing jobs I don't want to do - or couldn't do. The only one I skip is Vermonators -- because bugs creep me out.
  

Garden Update....

Our new place (new as of last August) has a nice sized deck. It faces southeast, so it gets good sunlight when it isn't hot -- and is shady in the afternoon, just in time for book reading...

I have a bunch of flowers, mostly petunias and geraniums. The colors of the season are white and purple... mostly because they look good against the backdrop of the trees across the way.

I also planted a tomato plant, cherry tomatoes, strawberries some catnip, basil, lavender, chives and oregano.

Lately my duties have been limited to dead-heading and picking stuff -- and Hubby has done the watering duties, as the watering cans I have are kind of big -- thus are also heavy.

This evening I noticed that a whole bunch of my cherry tomatoes are nearly ripe. I also have a few ripe strawberries and my big tomato plant has several smallish green tomatoes!!!

Perhaps the best news is that the catnip plants have a bunch of buds, which we will dry for our feline owners -- as the catnip goodness is concentrated in the buds... they go nuts for the fresh leaves, the fresh and/or dried buds ought to make them quite happy.

So, this weekend we'll have 'funky spaghetti' -- which is made with cherry tomatoes, fresh basil, a little garlic, oregano and chives. The key is that you put all the produce together (squishing the tomatoes) with olive oil and a little balsamic vinegar... you let that sit in the bowl (no cooking) while you make the pasta. Then you toss the hot pasta on top of the produce, let it sit a few minutes, and serve. The pasta heats up the produce just a little -- but it maintains the freshness.... yummmm.

Other than the Cancer thing...

... I'm healthy..

This week I had a MUGA scan -- which creates a picture of my heart function -- and an EKG.

Both were excellent.

I've also had a fasting blood sugar -- which was normal....

... and my blood pressure is only a little bit on the high side.

Another scan removed all doubt about my remaining lymph nodes -- they are all clear.

So, many of the things I've worried about for a while aren't problems.

--- which is good news.

Now, if I didn't have the cancer thing happen, I could go along my merry little way.

Instead, Monday I get the port put in and two weeks from today I start chemo. It will take them 4 hours to do the infusion....

Clinal Trials...

Background: Hubby was raised LDS, and my in-laws are very active LDS (Mormons). The LDS church has a wonderful practice called a 'blessing'. A couple of weeks ago my in-laws came over and I got a blessing. The blessing process is a prayer, customized to the situation, the contents of which are inspired by God. In a religious tradition that believes in direct communication, the underlying idea is that the prayer is both a prayer and a message to the person needing the blessing.

My blessing said many of the normal things. It also included, twice, that I should follow my doctor's instructions exactly. This really stuck with me ---

.... and came back to me in my oncologist's office last week when he asked me about participating in a clinical trial. He's generally pretty conservative, but he said I was "perfect" for this trial and that he'd recommend my giving it a try.

I got goosebumps -- and decided then that I would do it. Hubby leaned over to me and said, 'are you thinking about what BIL said?'.

The thing is, the trial makes logical sense. It is a third-stage drug trial. The drug has been approved for metasticised breast cancer, now they want to see if it has impacts on non-metasticised breast cancers like mine.

It is a trial with a control group, so if I get the placebo, I'll be getting it along with the exact chemo I would get anyway.

The side effects don't seem to be distinguishable from chemo side effects and prior studies have shown that the drug by itself doesn't have side effects at all -- and it doesn't seem to increase the side effects of the standard chemo treatments.

It is also set-up so that I can quit at any point -- although I don't know why I would.

--- besides, when you have both God and science pointing the same direction, going another way just doesn't seem to be prudent.

Ways to torment an oncologist....

Background: Oncologists, if they could, would seal their chemo patients in a bubble until the last cycle. Anything that sounds like 'I'm going to get all germy' makes them squirm...

So, of course Hubby and I were talking about how to torment my oncologist...

We began with a discussion of sitting in the hot tub at the gym-- which is pretty germ-filled, but feels SO good.

The best we came up with was, "I think I'll go to Tijuanna and get a tattoo... on my left arm."

or, just having one penned onto my left arm before an appointment.... a nice, complex one with lots of colors.

On 'telling'...

At least three of my co-workers have read this blog --- along with a couple of others from another department... so my cancer won't be a surprise to them...

Today I ran into a member of the music faculty at the coffee shop and told her... which got me to thinking...

The last thing I want to do is to create a situation in which some people I see regularly 'know' and others don't. I don't want to have to keep all that straight, and I don't want people to feel weird around me -- trying to pretend they don't know, or trying to pretend they do.

Also, since I'm department chair, most of them have a right to know anyway.... if only because I may ask for their help now and again.

So -- I think I'm going to send out a mass e-mail just before our August meetings. By that time I'll be tired, bald and have a chemo port sticking out near my collarbone, so some explanation will be needed -- I might as well make it an accurate one....

although, for my own amusement, I could say nothing and see what the rumor mill has to say....

and.. New Kitty enjoyed the box

Right now New Kitty is in the box my books came in yesterday.

It is in the sun.

She's happy.

I met a woman today....

...who had breast cancer in 1995.

She was waiting for her husband to have some tests. She saw my one-boobed status and told me about her experience...

It was nice to hear a few things...

• My left arm will swell when it gets hot, but then it will go back down again when I cool down.
• Bali's new petal bra is great with a prosthesis, so I don't need to buy an expensive mastectomy bra.
• She's been with my cancer center for quite a while and is very, very happy with them.
• She knows and really likes my oncologist.

Really, she made me feel a lot better about this whole thing -- because she's so far ahead of me on the path that this is all old hat to her. She has a good attitude about life and was interesting to talk to about a variety of things.

She still has one of her own breasts, and was happy to hear that they have a new process for the lymph node biopsy that means they don't have to take as many as they did when she had her surgery... (they have a way to figure out which node is the first one to get fluid from my breast...).

So, it was a good day.

A box of love...

I got a wonderful box of love in the mail today.

A distant but dear friend sent me a bunch of fun reading books, some chocolates and bath salts.

I promise to spend some time by the pool and on my deck reading and relaxing....

.. it was just what I needed.

I can see how it happens...

... how people become Cancer Patients first, whatever they 'were' second.

A month ago today I had the lumpectomy. Since then, most of the people I've seen have been related to my care as a patient. I now have a GP, a surgeon and an oncologist. Each of them has a nurse or two working with them. I've met two anesthesiologists, and a whole bunch of radiologists have looked at images of my insides.

I've been scanned in just about every way possible -- each scan comes with at least one tech to run the machines and give me the radioactive stuff...

The most human conversation I've had recently has been with my surgeon -- when we've discussed her daughter's challenges -- her daughter goes to BNCC.

When I'm not at appointments, I try to find other things to think and talk about. The problem is that while I feel good -- concentrating on my work isn't easy, so I end up watching TV. Talking about TV is really, really boring.... What is even more boring is when people talk about their doctor's appointments.

Well -- the real problem is that what I've been doing in the last 6 weeks or so is going to doctor's appointments. Next week I'll get my port (to directly inject the chemo) -- and then I think I'll have about 10 day off from appointments before the chemo... So maybe my perspective will change.

The thing is, I'm someone who is resisting being a Cancer Patient --- but, it isn't easy. For someone who wasn't resisting it, wasn't as educated or concerned about her 'self' as an intellectual being, it would be very easy to be Ms. Cancer Patient.