Some things about breast cancer you probably didn't know....

Warning, some of this may be TMI -- so, if you are squemish, look away....

• Edited to add -- they tell me that I am more than likely to lose my hair --- which will be a new experience.... and that when your hair comes back, it is often different than the hair you had before... So, I'm hoping that it will be straight and blond.

• Getting a complete cancer diagnosis takes a long time and many, many tests. The first test came back as cancer May 22, and the oncologist finally gave me my level on June 25 .

• In case you are interested, I'm a level IIb, which means that my lump was larger than 2 CM total (lump and arms...) and I had one lymph node involved, but nothing metastitcized.
  

• When you lose a breast, it is actually concave where your breast was.
  

• From now on I can only have IVs and blood pressure taken on my right side.
  

• Mamograms don't really hurt --- but bone scans involving your head are very claustrophobic.

• If you get at all motion sick, make sure you tell your anesthesiologist, they can give you things to help with nausea.

• Bring your own pajama pants to wear in the hospital -- it prevents all kinds of embarrassing gown gaps.

• Bring your ipod if you have to stay overnight -- because you won't sleep and the hospital only has 6 TV stations.

• Some radiological scans and radiology treatments also earn you a card to show to the Airport Security guys.... because their equipment will pick up your radioactivity and they'll think you have a dirty bomb on your person.
  

Probably the hardest thing so far...

...was telling my Mom.

My sister died at 30 -- suddenly. That was almost 7 years ago.

I don't have any other siblings. Just the word "cancer" is so scary to say, I really did dread telling her about the diagnosis. Of course, I was telling her before we knew that it hadn't spread....

Of course, after I told her Mom was wonderful. She was here for a while after my surgery and she'll be here when I need her during chemo... as a semi-retired nurse, she was very helpful. She's taken on the role of being the family nurse --- which usually entails going to Florida for a few weeks to help my grandparents or aunt with something --- not me. But, she's also figured out how to be available but not obtrusive -- plus, she 's generally great company, so that helps.

After telling Mom, telling my Dean, my close friends and my Dissertation Supervisor was pretty easy.

It was also kind of hard to put it out to all of you -- only because I was letting the last group of people who 'knew' me before the cancer see me as a cancer patient.

That's the thing -- when I'm done with chemo, and after it works exactly like it is supposed to -- I will have survived breast cancer, but I'm not about to make that my identity. I have way too many other things to BE -- wife, daughter, professor, philosopher etc... that breast cancer survivor isn't going to be high enough on my list to make an impact.

--- and, while I want to thank y'all for your kind words and support -- the best thing I can do sometimes is to pretend I don't have breast cancer -- So, I don't want the blog to be all cancer, all the time... besides, that would be really really f-ing depressing....

Overall, a good day!

Since my mastectomy, my surgeon has avoided me like she owed me money...

Finally, today I told the nurse that my surgery was two weeks ago today and nobody but me, Hubby and Mom have seen the incision... that got her attention, and presto -- an appointment appeared today.

Today she took out both drains -- so I don't have any tubes hanging out of me... YEA!!!!!!

She also took out every other staple across the incision... and she saw a place that might be a little bit infected, so she prescribed some antibiotics.

I'll see her again on Tuesday to take out the rest of the staples...

Right now I'm going to have a little nap --- and later, a shower without anything hanging from me!!! That will be the first one since before my lumpectomy on June 2...

On pretending...

I've never been a vain person.

I'm overweight and have been most of my adult life -- so I'm used to people giving me funny looks.

The kind of chemo I'm getting almost always causes people to lose their hair -- all of it. So, while my legs will be nice and smooth, so will my eyebrows and head.

Also, because of the kind of chemo I'm getting, I'll need a port... which is pretty much a permanently installed valve for them to pump chemo into me. It will be up by my collar bone -- not easy to hide with most of my clothes. I'll have it at least until December, maybe longer.

Right now I have one boob and two drainage bulbs under my clothes... so I'm both lop-sided and lumpy. It has taught me a lot -- namely that, while people may look at you funny for a second, if you are ok with it, they will be too. It is clear that there is something wrong with me, but once I smile and act as if nothing is wrong, I don't even get the funny look...

So -- I'm going to be up-front about it. I'm going to tell my students and anybody else who asks that I have breast cancer. After I have my prosthesis, I may ask them to figure out (without touching) which one is real...

The thing is, I didn't do anything to cause myself to get this disease and there is no shame in having it. I have good insurance and people who love and support me. There is no reason to feel sorry for me. Sure, this sucks -- and it isn't as if I wanted to have cancer this summer -- but, the rest of me still works and I'm dealing with it.

The Big Distraction.... revealed...

I've been of two minds about blogging about this.

So far, I've been resisting because I don't want future employers to know -- but, I also figure that it won't be a secret anyway --- as I hope that any references would say, "she was a great teacher even with ______".

So -- here it is --

I have breast cancer.

damm... that was hard to write, but I've got to do it.

The short version of it is as follows...

The week before Memorial Day, Hubby felt a lump on my left side. I went to my doctor, who felt it also. He ordered a mamagram and a sonogram. Neither found the lump Hubby did -- but they saw another, smaller lump someplace we didn't. They did a needle biopsy and found cancer.

The first week of June I had a lumpectomy on Monday, and because they didn't get 'clean margins' on the tumor, I had a mastectomy on that Friday. They also did a sentinal node biopsy, which came back as cancerous... but, secondary nodes were negative and there is no evidence that it has spread... That means I'll be getting chemo starting about July 17th.

The chemo will be in two phases, the first is the worst -- and will end the first week of school. The doctor said I'd feel pretty bad the first two days after the chemo, but then I'd feel better... So we are trying to schedule the chemo so that I can keep teaching.

I'll be seeing my surgeon today -- I hope she'll take out the two drains hanging from me, and take out the bizzillion staples across my left side...

The scary bit is that I would never have seen the doctor without Hubby feeling a lump -- and saying something about it. I felt fine -- and still do -- except for the missing boob.... and because the kind of cancer I have is quite aggressive, it might have gone much further before I noticed anything amis...

As it is, I'm in the group of patients who have about an 85% 5-year disease-free rate... which they don't want to call a 'cure' -- but, it isn't the case that I'll have it the rest of my life...

So -- there it is -- the Big Distraction is breast cancer.

ROB -- whatever....

• I'm sick of having maintenance guys here -- over the past couple of weeks the apartment guy was here to fix the same toilet twice, and then to replace the HVAC filter and the battery in the door lock.... yes, our door lock is battery operated, it is a new building and they think it is cool.... what is cool is that they can track which keys go in when, so I'm not so concerned about creepy people coming in.
• The cats had a nice snuggle just now -- Extra-Toes has been kind of lost without Blind Kitty, and so has New Kitty. They're figuring out the new rules of a two cat household.
• I had a BD appointment today. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
• Tomorrow is a work day -- at least 3 dissertation hours and a nice walk is my goal.
• I miss my TIVO already. We have a DVR, but the menu isn't nearly as nice as my old TIVO menu -- and I have to re-program all the stuff that was in my old TIVO.
• On the up side, we now have Tru TV -- which seems to be all reality show, all the time...
  

BD... grr....

I had an appointment set for Thursday to resolve part of the Big Distraction...

I say 'had' because it got re-scheduled -- again.

I'm trying really hard to think that the reason for the re-schedule is because the persons involved are doing good for others -- not taking off a long-weekend in the summer.

On the other hand, Karma may help me out here...

The person who has re-scheduled this appointment several times has a daughter who is at BNCC --- and she needs to take some philosophy for her program, and she's likely to take me in the fall.....

The Big Distraction might make me cancel some classes in the fall.

hmmmm...... if the daughter complains I'll tell her to talk to her mother.

So far, so good...

I got two productive hours in... BD got in the way a little, but it worked anyway.

I took my walk...

now, a nap -- which is the best way to insure that the maintenance guy and the cable person will show up at the same time...

Another reason I love "Sunshine"

"Sunshine" seems to be an endless source of good things.

The most recent good thing is an amazingly good restaurant, that delivers to us.

Before she told me about them -- I thought that our only delivery choices were kind of icky Chinese and 40 billion pizza places (really about 6, but none of them are chains... weird).

Last week she told me about the good place, and that they deliver...

We tried it out -- and, yummmmy.

This may make Big Distraction easier....

thanks, Sunshine!

Even when Hubby is home...

... I listen to the weather forecast for Red State.

Red State's main city is just close enough to BN state that it appears on the edge of the weather radar.

Up here it has been the perfect summer days. I know down there it has been hot and humid -- plus they're getting more thunderstorms tonight.

I'll never forget our first spring there --- We'd sit on our apartment porch with the weather radio and a map...... figuring that our BN state weather instincts would guide us downstairs if things got really bad, but wanting to find the counties on the map that were getting slammed with tornadoes....

TV distraction coming tomorrow....

Our crappy Quest re-packager is forcing us to change things around....

So, in order to keep what we have --- a TIVO etc.. it will cost us a bit more money.

But, in order to get a DVR --- we'll have to upgrade our cable channels --- and for 3 months we'll get free movie channels.

The timing is excellent -- the new season of Weeds started this week.

I wonder if it will be over when our free movie channels expire?

In case you're wondering....

The white chocolate talipa on the Next Food Network Star

.... is actually really good.

Hubby and I have been discussing going to Red Lobster for the last couple of weeks. He loves their lobster bisque. I like their fish -- although I'm allergic to shrimp, crab and lobster.

This afternoon I watched the most recent episode of the Next Food Network Star, in which the winning recipe would be offered at Red Lobster. When she won, Hubby said -- 'ew... white chocolate and fish, isn't that what made Gordon Ramsey puke?'.

Well, I tried it and it's good. The sauce is much more buttery than chocolate. There are nuts which break it up and it is really, really good.

A certain kind of confidence...

Some people have confidence I just can't muster...

Anastasia's PH is quitting his well-paid (and presumably soul sucking) job to pursue his intellectual interest in philosophy. He has a wonderful wife and kids -- albeit a wife who declined a T-T job because the location didn't work with his school -- so, as she notes, she'll get paid next spring to adjunct, but as of now doesn't have a steady paycheck.

I do hope it works out for them -- and knowing them, I'm sure it will... but, being on the other side of the 'I should get a PhD in philosophy' decision' and having done it a very different way and knowing what I know-- I couldn't do what Anastasia and PH are doing...

I suppose, in the end, I'm jealous of that kind of confidence. PH is taking a risk I don't think I could take. He's leaving a well-paid job that is flexible enough to move with Anastasia.. he's betting that his philosophical point of view will be worthy in the highly competitive philosophy job market. He's also comfortable asking his family to move across the country to pursue his intellectual desires.

Maybe it is a gender difference, maybe the difference between us is rooted in economic experiences or some other kind of confidence... but, while I admire it, I can't imagine doing it.

RBO.... a Sunday...

• BLTs are good -- I can't wait for my own good, ripe tomatoes...
  
• I ate a perfect avocado today.
• New Kitty had a small adventure on the deck -- I left the door open. Hubby found her sniffing things.... now, she's exhausted and sleeping on the couch.
• Tomorrow I will get back to work -- I will, I will, I will....
  

Cranky, Cranky, Cranky....

There's no doubt that the Big Distraction is a reason for me to be cranky...

but, I don't want to be.

It is a beautiful summer day, but I'm just cranks....

This wasn't how I wanted to spend this summer. Sure, I can still do most of the stuff I'd planned -- but BD is enough to be a huge interruption anyway.

crapola......

plus, I just finished a Grisham book (The Verdict) and it sucked....

pooey

New sheets...

... are sweet!

Especially when they are made of bamboo!

Hubby and the cats are napping on them right now. We got the sage green ones...

and some new pillows.

Keeping it normal...

The Big Distraction is both big and distracting...

and, while I'm not really ready to share the nature of the Big Distraction, some of you who know me IRL know the nature of BD ---

and, let me first thank you for keeping me as close to normal as possible... please, keep it coming.

Really, normal isn't all that bad.

Blogging for lost things....

1) Sun glasses -- please come back. I love you, you don't need to hide from me.... really. It's summer, I need you.

2) The top of my desk --- the Big Distraction has left you under a pile of misc. crap. I need to find you.

3) My writing mojo -- you got pushed to the back by the Big Distraction, but today is the day for your comeback... just for the morning, after I find the top of my desk... then I'll take a nap in the afternoon and you can chill out until tomorrow morning.

Big distraction...

Sorry it has been a while -- we are all still here...

I've just had a big, unbloggable distraction around here -- which seems to be poised to take up the summer.

Things are a bit odd, inconvenient, but ok... it is just that you can't plan for this kind of thing and when it comes to distract you, you must pay attention to it. Other than the Big Distraction...

My hubby is his sweet self.

Extra-Toes and New Kitty are figuring out that they are the only cats in the place -- so the catly action includes us more often..

The goslings are getting to be really big -- they are still that ugly yellowish-brown, but when they poke their heads under water to eat a weed, they have the white butts of Canadian geese.

We've also noticed that there is a white cat who hunts across the parking lot every night and that there is a doe who lives on the golf course...

I may decide to blog about the big distraction at some point -- but not now. Perhaps once it is all played out and not distracting anymore, I'll have the distance from it to make the posts interesting. For now, suffice it to say that I'm still a daughter, wife, grad student, philosophy instructor etc... and while I may be occasionally distracted from those things, I'm not about to stop being any of them anytime soon.

In Memory of Blind Kitty...

I'll think about you snuggling with Extra-Toes (ET is on the right...)


And, when you could see -- and get into trouble...


Now, I'm sure you're hanging with Old Kitty....


You will be missed, old guy.

We found him in the parking lot of the apartment complex we lived in before we were married. He was skinny with mats so big along his spine, it felt like he was deformed. We took him to the vet, thinking he'd be put down -- and ended up taking him home. Once home, he gave the other cats (and me) ringworm --- and kept the senior cat mostly living on the counter for two weeks. He would do silly things like get his paw stuck in the drain, and his 1-inch long tail would get caught in the fridge.

His first New Years Eve (midnight, in a blizzard) with us, found us in the Emergency Vet -- with crystals in his urine. When we really couldn't afford an expensive cat, we had one and somehow found the money to pay his vet bills..... true to his form, his last visit to the vet was an Emergency Vet...

In his later years he went blind. We don't know why -- but it was clear to us that he couldn't see. He'd bump into stuff and get lost in the apartment.... somehow, though, he managed to find the food bowl and kept his weight at 15ish pounds.

When we brought New Kitty in, we worried that they'd clash -- but they got along great. She figured out he was a warm, pillow -- that would occasionally groom him and she loved him. He spent his last year cuddling and snuggling with her. It was really common to come home to find them looking like they'd just finished something kinky... and he loved nothing more than to tuck into bed with us, purring and cuddling with us as we snoozed.

He was an amazing cat and we will miss him.

A sad week...

I have a feeling that Blind Kitty won't last the week. He's nearly 20 and in steep decline, getting thinner and more frail every day.

He's had a wonderful life with us, but now he's not responsive to petting -- and he doesn't purr and snuggle like he did a couple of weeks ago.

We're going to see how it goes, but I think he'll take a final trip to the vet this week....

We kind of think we won't get a new kitty quite yet. Since Extra Toes has a heart condition, the stress of a new one may not be a good idea.

Edited to add...

Tonight it became clear that he was in pain and almost non-responsive. We took him to the emergency vet and had him put down. I didn't want him to have any more pain. We'll all miss him -- the apartment will be much more quiet.

Thanks for the good wishes....

Found at Uncertain Principles....

29 As a 1930s wife, I am Poor Take the test!

How could Clinton have won my vote?

The answer to that question is pretty complex --- and part of it comes down to expecting her to act in ways that her generation generally does not...

I wanted her to be a uniter. She needed too entice those of us on the edge of the Democratic party that the party is interested in our issues. To convince us that it isn't going to be politics as usual, and to give the other side credit for being non-evil. The thing about those of us on the edge are on that edge because we are attracted to something on the other side.... we have a suspicion that the Republicans could be right about some things, so being told that THOSE people over there are really, really bad says that I'm also kind of bad by association.

I wanted her to not do whatever she needed to do in order to win. Calling names, playing games with which votes "count" and which don't was kind of the last straw. I want a President who will make the best decisions, not one who is just out to WIN. I've had enough of the attitude that the US is THE BEST -- I want us to act on principle, not to just be competitive...

I wanted to vote for more than her as a woman -- NOT being GW Bush isn't enough. I needed to see a vision of the future with her as our President. I've worked with and for enough second-wave feminists to know that just BEING a woman isn't enough to make you a good person who makes good decisions. I wanted to see how she wanted the country to look as her President.... what I got was a message that I needed to vote for her because of her gender, and if I didn't I was setting feminism back 50 years.

In so many ways I'm sad that we didn't nominate a woman this year. Obama is an amazing politician with an attractive vision. He's also NOT a Boomer -- which is more important to me than his gender... which probably means that I trust my generation more than I trust my gender. I'd like to see him ask a woman to be his VP... a moderate Boomer or a member of Gen X would be great -- because then she'd be set up to run in 2016...

And as for the women who are throwing temper tantrums because Hilary isn't getting the nomination -- and threatening to vote for McCain to spite us -- f-you. Really, I don't say that lightly, and many have said it more elegantly than I, but that kind of reaction is really childish and irrational. A true commitment to feminism can't end because the Democratic candidate is a man -- and, if y'all haven't noticed, McCain IS a man -- a white, old man.... at least Obama shares your values -- and he's hot, besides :).

The Coffee Shop is hopping...

Hubby and I are at the coffee shop while my amazing cleaning person cleans our place. I like to get out of her way because when I cleaned houses, I hated it when the owners were there.... I always felt that I couldn't make noise, move stuff or really get into it if I had to be quiet... So, we leave while she's there.

We go to the coffee shop. So far I've had a quick chat with a lovely woman from BNCC's English department.

Behind me is a student whom I think I failed or gave a D last semester -- because he couldn't seem to get his act together for more than a few days at a time... and in Logic, that just doesn't cut it.

Down the long bench seat from Hubby is the creepy old guy who resembles a burned-out stoner crossed with a walrus... usually he's in jeans and a faded t-shirt. Today he's in a cheap suit an tie -- and he's made an attempt to comb his hair. He must have a job interview. He's a really odd one -- I've never seen him actually drink coffee, only Mountain Dew... and sometimes on Sundays he tutors a younger dude in physics.

All around women are having coffee and chatting -- Hubby and I are working on dissertation stuff, writing blog posts and generally hanging out with our laptops until she's done. Pretty soon we'll drop by BNCC to see if my feminist ethics textbooks have arrived -- and then we'll hit PetSmart for litter and go on home.... to a clean apartment.

I have to admit, I love having the money to hire someone to clean. This situation is ideal as she comes once a month and is an independent business person --- so, she sets her own hours and prices and keeps all the money.

I suppose I should be grateful...

... that the two old dudes I'm working on didn't read one another's articles and do my work for me.

But -- seriously, they are both writing on the same basic, narrow, idea -- and the one writing in 1978/1980/1982 doesn't reference the guy who wrote in 1974.

Sure, one was in Ethics an the other Theological Studies, but -- come on. I suppose the fact that the 1978/1980/1982 guy was really just re-hashing his 1978 article should have given me some kind of clue -- but, I'd like to see him do some work with the 1974 guy.

Thank goodness for electronic searches, ILL and the internet in general.... because the 1974 guy is making a heck of a lot of sense for 2008.

Watching History up close...

We stood in line for three hours.

Reports are that the line was 1.5 MILES long. 19,000 other people wanted to see it too,

We made some friends -- and talked some politics -- well before we got inside.

As a group we admonished line jumpers and other forms of poor behavior ---- and then we passed the metal detector and found good seats -- just behind and to the right of the podium, with a good view of the runway.

Inside it was a combination of rock concert and political rally. Multi-media images, signs and screaming fans. When the other guy was on the jumbo-tron, we booed --- when the camera paned to us, we wave like fools...

The mood was upbeat, hopeful and downright rowdy. People were snapping pictures and complaining about $4.00 sodas.

Anytime someone would do something on the stage there was hopeful applause.

Finally, at about 9:00 PM, a tall, slim, blond, woman in black took the stage. She spoke of the Presidential campaign so far, her family and her hope for the future. The biggest crowd reaction was when she mentioned her son serving in Iraq.... but, she knew who we'd all come to see... and she finally introduced them ---

Michelle and Barack Obama.

They took the stage together, him in the requisite dark suit -- she was in a stunning purple dress with very high heels... (the Sex and the City girls would be proud -- or Prada :) ) -- the drank in the applause and the screaming fans... then they embraced, bumped knuckles in what must be a pre-speech ritual and she left the stage.

The rest you've seen on TV. A really amazing speech from an amazing person. A person with the vision and character we need. A person who has the grass-roots organizing experience to have a different take on the world... and thus an understanding of what's really important.

He spoke eloquently for nearly 45 minutes -- with frequent gaps for loud cheering... really, my ears are ringing like I've been at a concert.

At the end, hubby and I made like good little Minnesotans and took off for the parking lot as soon as he was off the stage.... we beat the traffic and made it home before the pundits finished talking about it.

yea -- it was worth standing in the light rain, for three hours, on a cool June evening in Minnesota to see history up close. And -- really, he's got to be something special to get 19,000 Minnesotans to stand in a 1.5 mile long line and stay out late on a work night.

My worthless personal assistant....

My Personal Assistant cat is getting in the way.

I just had the following 'conversation' with New Kitty...

New Kitty, will you go get us coffee? I'll take a vente caramel light frappachino, hubby will take a vente mocha, and if they have pumpkin loaf get three... because they never have it and hubby really likes it.

Do you need money? Do you want the car keys?

While you are out, would you go by BNCC to get the books out of my in-box?

I'll let you know if she does it....

Sweet rejection...

Yesterday I was in a panic... there are only a couple of articles that are doing the thing that my dissertation is doing.

One of them I just recently found -- and the other I've been working with for a while.

The one I've been working with was in an old course pack. It was complete and cited, so I've been using it. I did try to find it and was unsuccessful -- even the big research U library at BNState U didn't have the journal from 1978.

Yesterday, I needed it for the chapter I'm working with and I couldn't find it.

It wasn't in the other files for the chapters. It wasn't in the file with the other articles I've used recently, or with the article it was right next to in the course pack.

My grad uni recently started a new service for electronic stuff -- so I requested it. They rejected the request -- but, they did so because it actually IS available on-line --- and they told me how to find it.

So, if you need a clean copy of the Childress 1978 article, let me know :). I now have it in my electronic files -- a nice, neat little PDF and I can print a new one for myself any time.

RBO life...

• Dr. Adviser gives good advice, even from overseas... yea, I'm lucky.
• I have a lovely pot of lavender lilacs on my desk, thanks to hubby going out to steal them for me -- it's a springtime tradition around here.
• The trailer park is gone from my office view, and the plough is looking very lively.
• The baby geese are getting bigger -- they look kind of like smallish ugly yellow chickens.
• New Kitty's feline-ality is "personal assistant" -- for sure. She has to be in everything we do. As MIL says 'she's very busy -- I'm not used to your cats being so busy".
• Extra-toes was walking kind of funny when we got back from Vegas. A trip to the vet revealed an enlarged heart -- so he's on the equivalent of water pills and doing much better. He's still pretty spunky, not bad for 12.
• I have a great start on the next chapter, I hope to have it finished by Saturday.
• I rewarded my hard work on the chapter today by going to the Sex and the City movie --- and it was pretty good.... although, they all show their age on the big screen.... and there are certain times at which their lack of acting ability pops out -- but, it was a good movie and a great way to really end the series.
• Why is it that we have at least 6 places that will deliver pizza to us, but only one mediocre Chinese food place and nothing else?
  
• Tomorrow I'm going into the office for the first time in 2.5 weeks -- wow! I should have a bunch of books for my feminist ethics class waiting for me.... YEA!
• I wonder if the fact that I'm a 'mind' worker has anything to do with my TIVO habits... I've got the following on my list: Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers, Ax Men, Alaska Experiment.... all about people doing physical labor. Add to that the classics of Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef, Design Star and Project Runway --- and it seems like I mostly watch other people work.
• New Kitty says999999999967--which must be cat for 'I want to put my heat on mom's keyboard....